Healing Gaia

This piece was created as an answer to the prompt: "Write about your favorite poem".
My favorite poem has been Mother to Son by Langston Hughes since the sixth grade.
A copy of that poem can be found at the end of my writing.

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Looking down at my belly,
I see the stretched skin staring back at me.
White marks that run parallel to the place where you laid.
I think of my womb that cradled you

and kept you safe.

Now I hold you in my arms with fear.
Scared to show you to the world. 
Afraid of what you might find there,
or what might find you.

I see your face and am reminded of the splinters on my feet 
and the boards torn up in my childhood.
Hoping you never have to feel this hurt on yours.
Hoping you will be

reachin’ landin’s

and turnin’ corners 
to places accepting of you.

I realized a bit too late,

it feels, 
that I need to remove the tacks laid in to my cork board heart. 
The work feels endless.
The only way out is through, 
I'm reminded, 
but laying myself bare like floors with no carpet on them 
makes me want to run.
I can't turn back from this healing though;
It's good for us,

even when I find it kinda hard.

I wonder if one day you will ever know that I kept climbin’ on.
Wincing from my scratched feet in the dark. 
Arms open wide to the sky; 
tired from the weight of the prayers I say,

hoping you will always see the light in life.

Sweet child, 
I tell you,
life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
I’ve learned though,

no matter who you are 
It won’t ever be.
Even so, I work everyday in hopes that it can be as close to crystal 

for you.

______________________________________________________________________________

Mother to Son

By: Langston Hughes

Well, son, I’ll tell you:
Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.
It’s had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I’se been a-climbin’ on,
And reachin’ landin’s,
And turnin’ corners,
And sometimes goin’ in the dark
Where there ain’t been no light.
So boy, don’t you turn back.
Don’t you set down on the steps
’Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.
Don’t you fall now—
For I’se still goin’, honey,
I’se still climbin’,
And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

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The Father Wound

Father’s day in the United States just passed and I found myself in a muted sadness.

Sad because I didn’t feel like I could partake in a genuine celebration of my father.

Muted because I have felt this sadness so frequently, it just doesn’t surprise me anymore.

I scrolled through all the Father’s Day posts on social media,

happy for others

but I couldn’t stop thinking about all the reasons I have distanced myself from my father.

My dad is an older Dominican man, set in his ways..

I believe his dedication to achieving fame, fortune, and keeping up with appearances have been his downfall.

As I have told him so many times, he has shown me the type of man I DO NOT want to marry.

Words that cut deep but I have no regret in saying them.

How I feel about my fathers example has always been true and my candor has always been my superpower.

I can remember a time when my dad was my hero, when I looked up to him and enjoyed his company.

A time when I saw him give up his last dollar on a toy to make me happy.

But as I grew up I started to see things differently.

He had changed in ways I couldn’t understand and resented.

I know my father has done his best to protect me and shield me from the traumatic experiences he has had in life

but it was painful to bear the brunt of the burden.

Now that I am older I can understand that humans are flawed, no one is perfect and my dad did his best.

He did his best with what he knew and thought was right.

At some point I decided his best just wasn’t enough anymore.

I was tired of playing the game of figuring out what he wants and needs from me so I can be a “good daughter”.

I know my dad loves me in his own way but I needed to distance myself from this relationship to grow.

In that distance I have learned, you cannot heal where you have been hurt and my father wound runs deep.

My family doesn’t always agree with my decision.

For the most part they believe that I am all he has and I should be trying more with him because, “you know how he is.”

But again, the brunt of the burden falling on me is exactly what I am trying to move away from.

When I reach out and my dad pretends I don’t, it hurts me.

When my dad bad-mouths me to other people, it hurts me.

What my family doesn’t always grasp is that it isn’t my responsibility to keep my dad around,

especially if he acts like he doesn’t want to be in my life.

His being in my life is a decision he has to make.

He has to be willing to work with me, now that I am an adult, so that we have a better understanding of each other.

But overall the response from my family doesn’t surprise me.

The father wound didn’t start with me.

It runs deep in my lineage.

I come from a line of women who have let the men they fear dictate their lives.

Over the years I have heard all the stories of the mothers before me,

recounting the abuse they sustained at the hands of their fathers and in turn as they grew older, the abuse from their husbands.

Women, holding on to the mantra of but he still loves me…

He disappointed me but he still loves me…

He spoke to me so nasty but I know he still loves me…

He leaves me for days but I know he still loves me…

He stays here even though he isn’t happy because he loves me...

In the distance I have taken from my father I learned “he still loves me” just isn’t enough.

My father wound runs deep.

I like to believe that I have broken the cycle of people in my family who remain loyal to the men who ruin them.

I have learned that I do not have to have the solution to make my relationship with my dad perfect.

It is what it is and in order to for it to be better it will take effort from him to show me he wants to be in my life.

xoxo,

Stephy

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Real Talk

First off I want to say thank you to my tribe and those of you who have been patient with my lack of posting.

I needed to go on an impromptu hiatus as I couldn’t give to others when my own cup was empty.

I have been struggling with depression over the past month and it has not been easy.

Feelings of hopelessness and doubt have filled my brain but what has been the most crushing and hardest to overcome is the loneliness.

The magnitude fluctuates everyday.

Sometimes I am reminded of all the love around me and filled with gratitude,

sometimes loneliness is all-encompassing and nothing fills the void.

When it takes hold I find myself crying,

endlessly,

thrusting my face into my hands to muffle the sounds.

I pray,

screaming to spirit to make it all go away,

hugging my chest to make sure i’m still breathing,

clutching my throat so that the cries will somehow stop.

It’s a funny trick your brain plays on you.

I know I have an amazing support system and resources available to me that I am grateful for

but I talk myself out of using them.

I tell myself that I am burdening others so I shouldn’t reach out.

I dont want to be the person bringing pessimistic vibes to the party.

At times I feel like if I reach out then I make things about me and the last thing I want to do is make anything about me.

I know that last part comes from trauma.

The trauma of being told on repeat that I am selfish and I make everything about me;

when really I was asking for emotional support the person was not equipped to provide.

But when my emotions take over it is hard to stick to the facts.

Even though it feels like I could have done more to combat this period of depression,

I don’t see the past few weeks as a setback.

I understand that living with depression and anxiety can be tough and I will have periods where the emotions take over.

As long as I continue to practice reaching out to my tribe (even when I don’t want to),

moving my body,

and speaking my truth to remove the stigma surrounding mental health disorders

I will be ok.

Healing is hard but I am doing it.

xoxo – Stephy

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Its the Esteem of Your MF Self

If someone asked you, “is there anything you want to change about yourself?”,

would you have an answer?

I always do.

The mole on my nose,

my hair,

my acne,

my body composition,

there is always something that needs to be fixed about me.

Having an answer to this question makes me feel like I’m failing in the self-love department.

I always thought the epitome of self-love was to be completely enamored with who you are,

feeling as if you have reached a state of flawlessness.

Self-love meant that if you had it your way there would be nothing to fix about you.

I’ve realized though, just like the world around me, the relationship you have with yourself isn’t black and white.

I’ve also realized, I have a very unrealistic idea of what self-love should look like.

There is no imperfection to conquer.

There is no perfect amount of self-esteem.

There is just the day to day choices you make.

Sometimes they are good decisions,

sometimes they aren’t,

& being upset with yourself does not automatically mean you hate yourself.

As a reflective person I am always thinking of ways I can be better.

But as long as I am playing the comparison game I will never find satisfaction in my life.

So if you ask me the question right now, “is there anything you want to change about yourself?”

My answer would be, not taking the time to water my own garden.

We’ve all heard the saying,

“the grass is greener where you water it”

& as corny as it sounds, it’s true.

All the time I spend playing the comparison game hinders me from actually doing better.

Every time I utter “why can’t I be the one who…”,

I should be reminding myself of the talent I have and the things I CAN DO.

As long as I am tending to my own garden,

and preparing the soil with the nutrients it needs,

the flowers I have chosen to plant will bloom.

My garden won’t be like anyone else’s.

It won’t be perfect.

I may change my mind on some things.

But it will be mine.

xoxo – Stephy

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Push It

Goals, we all have them.

But what happens when you accomplish something and instead of satisfaction you feel like you pushed yourself for little reward?

That was me two weeks ago as I completed an extremely tough half marathon.

It had been over a year since I raced, and I decided to run 13.1 miles in March because I missed the rush of training and wanted another medal in my collection.

What I didn’t understand at first was that a March race would mean running in adverse weather conditions, and generally trying to keep myself motivated in the dark winter months when all I wanted to do was cuddle under a warm blanket.

Training was up and down because of this learning curve, and I was not feeling prepared to complete my half confidently as race day approached.

Finally, it was March 21st, race day, and everything was going “wrong”.

It felt like I would never start but finally, 5 hours after the time I planned to start, I began to run.

Miles 1 through 6 felt like a breeze.

I was taking in the beautiful city views along the water and I felt invincible.

Then, I ran up my first hill.

Little did I know, every mile after that would be UPHILL, physically and mentally.

I trudged my way through miles 7, 8 and 9 telling myself I only had a few steps further to go.

My Quads burning, my calves on fire, my arms sore from swinging harder to will myself to keep going.

I kept trying to talk positively to myself,

“MIND OVER MATTER”

But I couldn’t do it, not in the way I was forcing myself.

I walked, miles 10 through 13.

My calf muscles cramping up with each step and my body in a state of pain I had never experienced on a run before.

I walked and felt defeated because this wasn’t how I envisioned finishing this race.

Once I crossed the finish line, I was met with cheers of,

“You did it! You completed your goal!”

but I was upset, distraught and disappointed.

I kept thinking about the value in this experience and if it was worth it for me to push through when I exerted way more energy and resources than I would have liked to finish.

It made me think about a lot of other decisions I have made in my life where I couldn’t allow myself to change my mind because I had committed to finishing.

Determination and loyalty are two of my best character traits but when mixed with stubbornness and ego it can be a bad combination.

I was at a crossroads.

I could learn from this experience about pushing my body and be proud of accomplishing the goal in anyway I could

or

I could let the ego take control and be upset that things didn’t go according to my plan.

I’m not gonna lie, I did let that ego run wild the first few moments after my race.

My partner was so happy for me and all I kept saying was, “I suck as a runner” and “I am disappointed with myself”.

Once I got in the car, ate a good meal and drank water I was able to reset my thoughts and move forward from the shame I was feeling after this race.

I thanked those negative feelings because they came to the surface, in a very unfiltered way, to let me know that I needed to give myself more time.

Sometimes the plan you have needs to be altered along the way to meet yourself where you.

Once I acknowledged what went “wrong” and how I could do better the next time I was ready to move forward.

I celebrated COMPLETING A HALF MARATHON.

Next time (because there will always be another race I am running) I will grant myself permission to change my mind and be flexible in my plans.

Things change, life is not predictable, flexibility CAN be my greatest friend.

Any of you experienced a similar revelation in other life events?

How do you grant yourself permission to change your mind?

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

As always, Peace and Blessings.

xoxo – Stephy

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What A Life

Hello my soul family!

What an emotional month it has been for me but I am so happy to be here this week sharing some of my life with you.

I am in transition and getting ready to live with my partner.

It’s the first time i’ve WANTED and had the OPPORTUNITY to live with a romantic partner.

Although the mental process of getting myself here was no small feat,

I am proud to say that I am no longer a ticket holder waiting for the train to pull in to the station.

I am now ON the train headed to my next destination.

The main motivator for me through this process has been thinking about all of the good that can come from co-habitation, and understanding that there is a deadline for this stress coming up soon.

The happiness is allowing me to see the light at the end of this stressful tunnel.

I’m overjoyed by the idea of frequent date nights and cuddles,

having someone to share household responsibilities with,

& finally (because lets face it I live in an expensive ass city) SAVING MONEY!

It wasn’t easy to get here though.

Like I stated above, my mental processing and not trusting my intuition was blocking my blessings.

My partner has been the driving force to move this relationship forward and I love them for it.

They KNOW that I am all in but have serious commitment issues due to toxic past relationships and childhood trauma.

Addressing these issues head on have allowed me to reflect on what I need from a partner to feel safe but also has allowed me to understand that sometimes, i’m just gonna have to do shit afraid.

Sometimes, I am going to have to let my partner take the lead and I have to trust their character enough to know that they will not fumble.

I am someone that if given the option, I will let myself stay stuck in a stagnant cycle because it is familiar.

When I am in situations where I always know what to expect, I feel like I have control and autonomy.

& I think we can all agree, stagnant cycles don’t allow you to glow up in life.

Merging my life together with another person has always scared me.

It felt like I would lose control but with my current partner I have learned, I don’t need to control anything.

Life happens, unexpected things come up, you don’t have to let it derail you, you can still make it to your destination.

It is beneficial for me to build a life with someone who shares my same values, dreams and goals.

It is beneficial for me to be with someone who will push me past my comfort zone and in to the learning zone, so we can achieve what we want, together.

For that, I am forever grateful to my love.

They have shown me the positives in being uncomfortable, what unconditional love truly is and how to trust someone (especially when they have given you nothing but reasons to continue to trust them with the most vulnerable parts of you)

Over the last month I have been dealing with

• Feelings of excitement because my partner and I are taking a big LEAP forward
• Feelings of grief because the “single phase” of my life is over
• Feeling like my independence is going away
• My abandonment issues rearing their ugly head
• & feelings of pride as a look at this situation and realize all the growth and work I have put in to my life to be here.

Even though my brain likes to play games with me and focus on the what if’s (anxiety I love you because you want to keep me safe but damn bitch, relax lol)

I have done so much personal work and together work with my partner.

I am nervous but not as scared as I used to be.

I am excited and happy even though i’m stressed with juggling work, me time, all of my personal relationships and packing.

Through all of these emotions one thing has been strikingly clear,

I am 100% sure that I have picked the best life partner for me.

Someone who wants this relationship to work as badly as I do, who values me, understands my ticks, and doesn’t take it personal when I have to do shit afraid. They love me even more for trusting them through the scariness.

Life is so good y’all.

I thank God, my ancestors and my spirit guides every night for answering my prayers and I know through it all they got me, my partner got me, my family got me and I GOT ME.

Until next time,

Peace & love.

-Stephy

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The Turnaround

Sometimes I think back to where I used to be,

when I felt alone and vulnerable all the time.

Constantly feeling like I had something to hide.

My skin, bare, needing a protection I couldn’t provide.

Sometimes I look back at where I used to be and I ask myself,

“what was I not understanding then, that I need to understand now?”

I can write you a laundry list of mistakes I’ve made,

but where I fucked up the most was not comprehending that there is beauty in the breakdown.

I was too focused on wanting to be on the other side of pain.

Focused on pleasing people who didn’t see me.

Focused on fitting in to spaces that were no longer big enough for me to occupy.

Focused on the idea of who I was, not who I was becoming and wanted to be.

I saw sureness of self as the only way one could experience real beauty in this life.

What was I missing?

The beauty in the breakdown.

The beauty in the walks I took to breathe out my anxiety.

The beauty in the strangers who told me to take my time as I tried to form words with no sound.

The beauty in the tears I cried, enough to water a valley and have flowers grow from the seeds.

I am grateful to know that in this life there will always be beauty, even if the roller coaster you are on flips you upside down.

I have the ability to choose to see this in my life.

A lesson never learned too late because where there is beauty, there is always love.

xoxo – Stephy

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