Thoughts from January 3rd, 2020
2 sleepless nights…2 days spent packing up all my belongings…an aching body…another night of restlessness…
13 hours of driving in the rain…more body aches…
Finally arriving and wanting nothing more than to eat dinner and lay in this comfy hotel bed
then…I messed up my food order.
All of the emotions built up in my body over the last few days release in an angry burst.
I can’t self soothe or regulate, I’m just pissed.
Then I feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty and like the work I am trying to put in to be a better person isn’t working. I start to feel like a fraud because I promote all this self love and growth stuff but I’m sitting in a car crying my eyes out because my vegan calzone order was wrong, and I had to pay twice and wait 20 min extra for the order to be redone.
After I was done crying, ate, laid down and put some heating patches on my body I could finally reflect on what happened.
I could tell myself I’m not a bad person, I had a bad moment.
I could tell myself the journey to learning how to self regulate and check in isn’t linear. I could thank my emotions for taking over because now I know where I should begin to focus in shadow work this year. I am humbled by life once again because as far as I’ve come I still have so much more capacity for growth.
As much as I wish I didn’t overreact and lose my temper, I did.
I forgive myself for that and am choosing to make this a learning experience instead of an opportunity to keep bashing myself. An opportunity to grow my personal toolbox that helps me to embrace and balance my temper. I share this so you know that the work is hard and sometimes I take many steps back but that’s ok. As long as I don’t lose sight of the bigger picture and I stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel, I can grow in to the person I am destined to be.
xoxo – Stephy
Sometimes those burst are needed because we can hold everything inside. A cry a scream can be cathartic. Such a relief . As long as you don’t lose sight of your goal you will be fine. We are adults as long as the messes are small they can be cleaned up and perhaps make us even better.
ReplyDelete“ I could tell myself I’m not a bad person, I had a bad moment.”
ReplyDeleteThat recognition and self love is all the affirmation you needed. Healing and emotions are complicated and, sometimes, “ain’t no crystal stair” in the words of Auntie Maya. You’re growing and glowing and we’re just as proud of you for not being so hard on yourself too often