Sometimes I think back to where I used to be,
when I felt alone and vulnerable all the time.
Constantly feeling like I had something to hide.
My skin, bare, needing a protection I couldn’t provide.
Sometimes I look back at where I used to be and I ask myself,
“what was I not understanding then, that I need to understand now?”
I can write you a laundry list of mistakes I’ve made,
but where I fucked up the most was not comprehending that there is beauty in the breakdown.
I was too focused on wanting to be on the other side of pain.
Focused on pleasing people who didn’t see me.
Focused on fitting in to spaces that were no longer big enough for me to occupy.
Focused on the idea of who I was, not who I was becoming and wanted to be.
I saw sureness of self as the only way one could experience real beauty in this life.
What was I missing?
The beauty in the breakdown.
The beauty in the walks I took to breathe out my anxiety.
The beauty in the strangers who told me to take my time as I tried to form words with no sound.
The beauty in the tears I cried, enough to water a valley and have flowers grow from the seeds.
I am grateful to know that in this life there will always be beauty, even if the roller coaster you are on flips you upside down.
I have the ability to choose to see this in my life.
A lesson never learned too late because where there is beauty, there is always love.
xoxo – Stephy
Wow. This is a deep personal one!!! Great job on reflecting about what you were not understanding and now you do understand! I remember this powerful quote and thought about it as I was reading your post. “Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in 10 years”. We all want to get to the end state but don’t want to endure the process, the process is where the growth happens. The process is where the breakdown happens and if we embrace that we know growth is happening. We have to embrace the rollercoaster despite how rocky it is even if it flips on the other side.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being vulnerable, sharing your experiences and being transparent.
And yes!! There is beauty in the breakdown!!!
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