Push It

Goals, we all have them.

But what happens when you accomplish something and instead of satisfaction you feel like you pushed yourself for little reward?

That was me two weeks ago as I completed an extremely tough half marathon.

It had been over a year since I raced, and I decided to run 13.1 miles in March because I missed the rush of training and wanted another medal in my collection.

What I didn’t understand at first was that a March race would mean running in adverse weather conditions, and generally trying to keep myself motivated in the dark winter months when all I wanted to do was cuddle under a warm blanket.

Training was up and down because of this learning curve, and I was not feeling prepared to complete my half confidently as race day approached.

Finally, it was March 21st, race day, and everything was going “wrong”.

It felt like I would never start but finally, 5 hours after the time I planned to start, I began to run.

Miles 1 through 6 felt like a breeze.

I was taking in the beautiful city views along the water and I felt invincible.

Then, I ran up my first hill.

Little did I know, every mile after that would be UPHILL, physically and mentally.

I trudged my way through miles 7, 8 and 9 telling myself I only had a few steps further to go.

My Quads burning, my calves on fire, my arms sore from swinging harder to will myself to keep going.

I kept trying to talk positively to myself,

“MIND OVER MATTER”

But I couldn’t do it, not in the way I was forcing myself.

I walked, miles 10 through 13.

My calf muscles cramping up with each step and my body in a state of pain I had never experienced on a run before.

I walked and felt defeated because this wasn’t how I envisioned finishing this race.

Once I crossed the finish line, I was met with cheers of,

“You did it! You completed your goal!”

but I was upset, distraught and disappointed.

I kept thinking about the value in this experience and if it was worth it for me to push through when I exerted way more energy and resources than I would have liked to finish.

It made me think about a lot of other decisions I have made in my life where I couldn’t allow myself to change my mind because I had committed to finishing.

Determination and loyalty are two of my best character traits but when mixed with stubbornness and ego it can be a bad combination.

I was at a crossroads.

I could learn from this experience about pushing my body and be proud of accomplishing the goal in anyway I could

or

I could let the ego take control and be upset that things didn’t go according to my plan.

I’m not gonna lie, I did let that ego run wild the first few moments after my race.

My partner was so happy for me and all I kept saying was, “I suck as a runner” and “I am disappointed with myself”.

Once I got in the car, ate a good meal and drank water I was able to reset my thoughts and move forward from the shame I was feeling after this race.

I thanked those negative feelings because they came to the surface, in a very unfiltered way, to let me know that I needed to give myself more time.

Sometimes the plan you have needs to be altered along the way to meet yourself where you.

Once I acknowledged what went “wrong” and how I could do better the next time I was ready to move forward.

I celebrated COMPLETING A HALF MARATHON.

Next time (because there will always be another race I am running) I will grant myself permission to change my mind and be flexible in my plans.

Things change, life is not predictable, flexibility CAN be my greatest friend.

Any of you experienced a similar revelation in other life events?

How do you grant yourself permission to change your mind?

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

As always, Peace and Blessings.

xoxo – Stephy