First off I want to say thank you to my tribe and those of you who have been patient with my lack of posting.
I needed to go on an impromptu hiatus as I couldn’t give to others when my own cup was empty.
I have been struggling with depression over the past month and it has not been easy.
Feelings of hopelessness and doubt have filled my brain but what has been the most crushing and hardest to overcome is the loneliness.
The magnitude fluctuates everyday.
Sometimes I am reminded of all the love around me and filled with gratitude,
sometimes loneliness is all-encompassing and nothing fills the void.
When it takes hold I find myself crying,
endlessly,
thrusting my face into my hands to muffle the sounds.
I pray,
screaming to spirit to make it all go away,
hugging my chest to make sure i’m still breathing,
clutching my throat so that the cries will somehow stop.
It’s a funny trick your brain plays on you.
I know I have an amazing support system and resources available to me that I am grateful for
but I talk myself out of using them.
I tell myself that I am burdening others so I shouldn’t reach out.
I dont want to be the person bringing pessimistic vibes to the party.
At times I feel like if I reach out then I make things about me and the last thing I want to do is make anything about me.
I know that last part comes from trauma.
The trauma of being told on repeat that I am selfish and I make everything about me;
when really I was asking for emotional support the person was not equipped to provide.
But when my emotions take over it is hard to stick to the facts.
Even though it feels like I could have done more to combat this period of depression,
I don’t see the past few weeks as a setback.
I understand that living with depression and anxiety can be tough and I will have periods where the emotions take over.
As long as I continue to practice reaching out to my tribe (even when I don’t want to),
moving my body,
and speaking my truth to remove the stigma surrounding mental health disorders
I will be ok.
Healing is hard but I am doing it.
xoxo – Stephy
Thank you for your transparency. After talking to a spiritual guide months ago, she made me aware that I, too, was watering from an empty cup. It manifested as burnout, indecisiveness, angst, and dare I say it–depression (not officially diagnosed but in the spirit of calling a spade a spade….). I have since worked on finding ways to fill my cup and have done so by spending time with those I care about, yoga, and working through past trauma. The interesting thing is the realization that we ALL have something we’re working through. And we have to be ready to admit that it’s there, buckle up, and work through–not around–whatever it is. I’m also glad you realized the ex’s (partners and friends included) simply weren’t able to provide the emotional support you needed. It’s important to identify your tribe and reach out when you need it. I’m low key the pot calling the kettle black bc this is something I’m learning for myself. Sending you so much love and light!
ReplyDeleteOne more thing I forgot to mention, I think it’s a great idea to not fill people’s cups when yours is not as full. Take care of your oxygen before helping others.
ReplyDeleteI echo the previous comments. I’m glad you took time to fill your own cup and hope you continue to take care. None of what you listed is easy. I’m inspired by your deep reflection, growth, and grace for yourself.
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