Father’s day in the United States just passed and I found myself in a muted sadness.
Sad because I didn’t feel like I could partake in a genuine celebration of my father.
Muted because I have felt this sadness so frequently, it just doesn’t surprise me anymore.
I scrolled through all the Father’s Day posts on social media,
happy for others
but I couldn’t stop thinking about all the reasons I have distanced myself from my father.
My dad is an older Dominican man, set in his ways..
I believe his dedication to achieving fame, fortune, and keeping up with appearances have been his downfall.
As I have told him so many times, he has shown me the type of man I DO NOT want to marry.
Words that cut deep but I have no regret in saying them.
How I feel about my fathers example has always been true and my candor has always been my superpower.
I can remember a time when my dad was my hero, when I looked up to him and enjoyed his company.
A time when I saw him give up his last dollar on a toy to make me happy.
But as I grew up I started to see things differently.
He had changed in ways I couldn’t understand and resented.
I know my father has done his best to protect me and shield me from the traumatic experiences he has had in life
but it was painful to bear the brunt of the burden.
Now that I am older I can understand that humans are flawed, no one is perfect and my dad did his best.
He did his best with what he knew and thought was right.
At some point I decided his best just wasn’t enough anymore.
I was tired of playing the game of figuring out what he wants and needs from me so I can be a “good daughter”.
I know my dad loves me in his own way but I needed to distance myself from this relationship to grow.
In that distance I have learned, you cannot heal where you have been hurt and my father wound runs deep.
My family doesn’t always agree with my decision.
For the most part they believe that I am all he has and I should be trying more with him because, “you know how he is.”
But again, the brunt of the burden falling on me is exactly what I am trying to move away from.
When I reach out and my dad pretends I don’t, it hurts me.
When my dad bad-mouths me to other people, it hurts me.
What my family doesn’t always grasp is that it isn’t my responsibility to keep my dad around,
especially if he acts like he doesn’t want to be in my life.
His being in my life is a decision he has to make.
He has to be willing to work with me, now that I am an adult, so that we have a better understanding of each other.
But overall the response from my family doesn’t surprise me.
The father wound didn’t start with me.
It runs deep in my lineage.
I come from a line of women who have let the men they fear dictate their lives.
Over the years I have heard all the stories of the mothers before me,
recounting the abuse they sustained at the hands of their fathers and in turn as they grew older, the abuse from their husbands.
Women, holding on to the mantra of but he still loves me…
He disappointed me but he still loves me…
He spoke to me so nasty but I know he still loves me…
He leaves me for days but I know he still loves me…
He stays here even though he isn’t happy because he loves me...
In the distance I have taken from my father I learned “he still loves me” just isn’t enough.
My father wound runs deep.
I like to believe that I have broken the cycle of people in my family who remain loyal to the men who ruin them.
I have learned that I do not have to have the solution to make my relationship with my dad perfect.
It is what it is and in order to for it to be better it will take effort from him to show me he wants to be in my life.
xoxo,
Stephy
Glad you’ve come to this point in your growth, because trying with a person or father who gives no effort and believes it is acceptable to mistreat another being, especially their female daughter is no example you’d want in your life. Father, mother, brother, sister , etc. those are all JUST titles, but those titles must come with respect, loyalty, love. These are titles given to a person when a child is born, but you have to earn that title in my opinion. Disrespect and mistreatment shouldn’t be tolerated no matter who it’s from family or not. By putting your foot down you’re putting an end to lineage of women in your family being mistreated, you’re not using the excuse, “oh that’s just how he is” or “well he’s still your dad.” All of those are excuses that don’t deserve places in your life. Keep pushing, it’s always their loss. If a distanced relationship is how you keep your peace of mind I’m all for it. For myself, a long time ago I realized I wouldn’t let a man come in and out of my life why would I let someone who has the title of my father do so either when they’re supposed to be the example of how I’m supposed to be treated. By removing / not allowing that behavior to be acceptable, I set myself up to have a better relationship with men.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your candor and honesty, family is important but at as they say “at the end of the day” you have to do what is right for you. People are like seasons and can change and there is always hope they will return to you a new
ReplyDelete“ but I like to believe that I have broken the cycle of women in my family who remain loyal to the men who ruin them”
ReplyDeleteYes you did break that horrible cycle, and no need to be apologetic about it.
Unfortunately there are too many people who can relate to what you are going through. I am in full agreement with your assessment. The only thing I have come to learn and accept, “bad” fathers from the Caribbean who are labeled as bad sometimes is not entirely their fault because the expectations of a dad back in the days is to provide shelter and food. There wasn’t expectation of unconditional love etc.
As we get older we realized those “old fashion”, “old Dominican man” ways are not acceptable whether that’s how they were raised. Unfortunately it’s hard for them to adapt to how we want to be treated as daughters and sons.
The silver lining is, you have an example of the type of man you DONT want to be with and the kind of man you don’t want your man to be as a dad
As usual, amazing post and thank you for being vulnerable !!
Hi Stephy. I am so happy for you because you see those excuses for what they are and have decided to not be defined by your family or your ancestors. In my own life I had to fire a therapist (who seemed far more interested in being my father’s attorney instead of my therapist) and had to dump some friends who tried to convince me that I was totally in the wrong to distance myself from my dad, despite the fact that they had never met him! I have learned a lot as a result. I learned that there were therapists out there who were supportive and that to find them I needed to fire the bad one. Same with friends who were not really my friend. Or who had very warped views of the meaning of the word friendship. I bet you have learned a lot as well.
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