lol, I'm pregnant

I am someone who has always loved children in all their stages.

Alien, newborn, cute baby, mean toddler, funny kid, awkward teenager,

I can find something about each stage of a child’s growth that makes it special.

I also have never envisioned a life where I didn’t experience the journey of motherhood in some form.

Whether that meant physically having a baby, mentoring, fostering, babysitting, or being the bougie auntie, it was a non-negotiable,

there would always be kids in my life.

When my husband and I got married we made a 5-year plan of things to do before we had kids.

We wanted to see more of the world, save money, and buy a home but then,

I got pregnant.

While it felt like a surprise, it wasn’t.

We had talked about having a baby sooner since the things we were waiting for just weren’t enough to hold us back from starting a family.

What was a surprise? HOW FAST IT HAPPENED!

Being in my 30s and getting off of birth control, I thought it would take me MONTHS to have a baby but literally, it was

ONE-SHOT, ONE KILL, WHATS THE DEAL!

& on December 23rd, 2021 (4 days before my missed period) something told me to take a test and our lives changed forever.

I then proceeded to take tests every day for two weeks because I was in shock.

The disbelief left little by little as the purple line on the test got darker every day indicating to me that my baby’s hormone levels were multiplying and that I was going to be a mom.

I was prepared to be scared and to fear the unknown but what I wasn’t prepared for was the depression, social changes, and the toll pregnancy would take on my body.

My friends and I always thought I would be the sunshine flowers, one with mother nature person when I got pregnant, and let me tell you

I AM FUCKING NOT.

I’M THE OPPOSITE.

I’M TEAM EVICT THIS BABY FROM MY UTERUS.

I’M TEAM PREGNANCY IS GHETTO.

I’M TEAM I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW OR WHY ANY PERSON WITH A UTERUS WOULD LIKE THIS!

I spent the first 3 months of my pregnancy in a deep depression, suffering from non-stop nausea and a very unsupportive OB/GYN team. I spent the next 3 months of my pregnancy not AS depressed but dealing with medical racism and feeling as if no matter what I did I was going to have a very bad labor and delivery. Now in my last trimester, I have reflected on my pregnancy and decided to withdraw and find my peace.

Here is why.

I realized that the changes my body went through so early on began my cycle of depression. I had no control of my body for the first time in a long time and it was triggering and unsafe for me. No matter how much I tried I just couldn’t get myself to work out or move around and the one outlet that made me feel strong and powerful now made me feel weak and defeated.

I also began growing a belly very early which prompted me to announce the news earlier than my logical and emotional sides could handle. It invited comments and people’s opinions way earlier than I was prepared for. I had no time to sit with myself and really understand what was happening to me, and my depression worsened with the inundation of well-meaning comments from friends and family.

It felt like every time I spoke about my pregnancy, which was usually me complaining (because AGAIN this shyt is ghetto), I would be met with comments that were insensitive and invalidated my feelings.

& the unsolicited advice was unbearable.

Every time I had to validate that I am doing everything I absolutely can before I’m allowed sympathy just broke me.

The script was always, “yes I have a doula, yes I changed my OB/GYN provider, yes I am in therapy, yes I’m still on my meds, yes I’m going to pelvic floor PT, yes I’m seeing a chiropractor, yes I’m doing ball sits, yes I’m doing everything I can think of and none of it is enough!”

I was lonely.

I’m not going to say I was alone, but I had no one to relate to.

I was emotionally exhausted and tired of constantly explaining why I do things or think the way I do.

I was looking to just be heard, for people to hold space for me but every time I opened up I was met with opinions and thoughts I wasn’t looking for.

I realized that I was putting everyone else’s feelings of sadness because they didn’t know how to support me above my own feelings of trauma and grief and it just wasn’t ok anymore.

So I withdrew.

I stopped talking to people about my pregnancy.

I stopped explaining.

& funny enough through that I found some semblance of peace.

There is a lot to still fear in pregnancy and in my near future of being a mom.

I’m scared my friends are going to abandon me.

I’m scared my husband won’t have time for me.

I’m scared my kid is going to grow up hating me.

I’m scared that I don’t recognize who I am anymore.

I’m scared that I am going to die while giving birth since the mortality rate of Black women is 4x higher than white women.

I’m scared of what it is going to look like for me to raise a Black boy (sex assigned at birth) in Amerikkka.

I’m scared of losing my child too soon.

I’m scared that my white family members will not understand that raising my Black child will look and be different.

I’m scared my body is broken forever.

I’m scared that my fear of men and all the trauma my body has held from men will be the only thing that shapes the kind of mother I am.

I’m scared because the illusion of having control in anything in this life has been completely shattered and I am stepping into a new world where I understand that I have no control, AND I DON'T LIKE IT.

Everything will continue to change. 

It is the only constant of living this human experience.

My pregnancy woes aren’t over yet.

I have 2 more months to go till my due date but I’ve decided that in this last trimester i'm going to prioritize what brings me joy, peace and healing.

I owe it to myself to have this time with me and I am hoping I will be a better mother because of it.

Affirmation: “My body is strong and capable. I choose to let go of my fearful thoughts so I can trust the process and allow my body to do its job.”

This is where I am, this is all I have left in me.

xoxo, Stephy